Tag Archives: Memories

And happy birthday, too.

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This day-you’re birthday-is beautiful

And I wish you were here to see

The cotton clouding puff balls

And the sunlight through the trees

The flowers out and blooming

That I thread into my hair

I know you cannot see them

And I’m feeling it’s unfair

But I’m glad the sun is shining

On this day, you’re day of birth

Because you made the world much brighter

When you still walked along this earth

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Why?

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This won’t be the last time that I write for you

But it may be the first that I don’t know the words for what’s true

I’m angered and saddened, and shocked to the floor

And I don’t know how to talk to you, now you’re not here anymore.

I wish you were here so I could slap your sweet face.

Or hug you, or scold you… But your soul’s been displaced.

And this is a time that I wish I could pray

Or believe in my heart that I could see you some day.

But all I can do is just sob and ask why

You didn’t love you enough to keep giving living a try.

Wesley. I loved you very much. You were a huge part of my coming of age, and the first boy I ever loved. I’m rocked by what you’ve done to yourself, and I’m angry and sad. Sadder than I ever thought possible. I could cry an ocean and still have tears for you. You were a light and a joy to behold, and everyone who knew you couldn’t help but love you. There’s a Wesley sized hole in the world now. You will never be forgotten.

Winter wanderings

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An arctic breeze blowing through brings the scent of bitter dreams

And memories better left entombed after time has come to leaf

And summer, spring have fallen past-but I will not move on

A vigil held quit vigilant, occurs before you’re gone

 

two on waiting

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Room for waiting

Crossing legs

And shift in seat

And shifting eyes

Before they meet

A brittle smile

A brush of hand

fractures poise

I move to stand

Falling face

what gives me pause

and melting heart

Gives way to dawn

A laying hand

upon a brow

Sweet searching eyes

Turn asking “how?”

Glass-sharp smile

reflects a gaze

A move to leave

a pause to stay

Ropes pulling chest

Not quite direct

Which direction

Should I move next

Gaze falls guarded

Protector wall

My choice is answered

And I answer call

________________________

Waiting game

Missing hands

And missing mouth

And missing laughter

Which I’m without

Withholding passion

And taking pause

Have come to impass

It’s come to draw

Cat’s gone cradle

No check to mate

It seems that waiting

Becomes my fate

I pass, your turning

You pause, you think

While endless waiting

Sends mind to brink

And minding details

I watch your hands

Ahead I’m thinking

My turns are planned

for all the little girls

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Disneyland Role model

Without a working sense of malice

Story book super heroine

As clueless to the world as our own sweet Alice

Come look at the mess you’re in

A paperbag princess with a heart of gold

And a basket full of kisses to share

Enough intentions to pave Rome’s road

To hell and back with some to spare

Sleeping in her beauty, she wakes to find the beast

Has broken through her breast plate

And is screaming for release

And contemplating her own fate

She lets down her epic hair

Shearing off her options.the locks are lining nests

And winging it, she sends her.song to open air

Without cause or caution, she’s opening her breast

Showing off the clockwork that’s working her within

She shudders with the ticking

Or could it be the wind?

 

 

 

 

 

 

More poetry slam Journal entries

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Kila and Goliath (2008)

I’m in the head sick and, I’m sick of this affliction. So excuse my lack of diction, but it is my predeliction, to mumble when I’m scared. Always so Illprepared. It always creeps up unannounced and… Then it pounces. And I’m just as shocked as the next one. In my face, here’s a panic shock, and legs locked, I stand stock-Still until the pill will. Disolve, and solve it all. But I don’t swallow them anymore. So what do I do in replacement? What’ll be my fear time call erasement? Kill the demon in the basment? That whispers up at night. Aimless worries in my head, floating low over my bed and tilting my reality, til I can no longer see… That they’re baseless, faceless, foundless, out of bounds and groundless. So I guess I’ll go a-demon huntin, A-hunting I will go… I’ll take my razor wit, viper’s tongue, and who knows, I might bag a giant giant along the way… So watch out Goliath, Kila’s on her way…

A stitch in mind (2008)

Beautiful grace, spinning time and place, falling headlong into space. Dangerous in self-definition, so much more secure in practice. What kind of oxy-moron is this? Light in my darkness? Safe in danger? Familliar stranger? (Disorganized re-arranger) Confused, befuddled, and intrigued, I am. Am I. Afraid of heights, in this I fly. Scared shitless, spent and witless, once shapeless, shiftless, I am the witness. To this transformation through which I’m going… My butterfly is showing, and in this crysalis I’m growing. My smile is cracking through the stone. The facade i once called home. Break the walls down, one by one. Step into the light of day, I will not fade away. No longer transparant, worn thin and weak like watered whiskey and bad tea. It does not intoxicate me. But frees, it liberates me. Strength in arm, I mean no harm. I just need, to no longer bleed, and be redeemed. I need to silence, the voice of fear, ringing in cacophonous in my ear, drowning out so I can’t hear, you softly whisper. The words of encouragement you’ve always murmured. So soft, sometimes I’m not sure what I’ve heard. But you never shout. Not at me. So what I see, hear, and feel, are, in reality. Always exactly, what you promised me. I’m such a stupid girl sometimes. Even knowing what kind (of mess I’d make) I changed my mind (and made it break) and now I’m stitching time, and reality, back inside of me. Sewing stitches into the holes in my mind, so I’ll never again find, that I’ve let you… Fall through.

 

 

 

Old Journal entry april 17 2008

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Wind it down, wind me up. I’m wired backwards, the lines are crossed. My mind is not my friend today, it’s lonely, and I’m lost… Why wont the voices say anything, I sure could use some advice… The only voice I hear is my own today, (and I’m not being very nice.) Nice… Nice… Chop it up and put it on ice. Before you swallow, chew it twice… (Just to make sure that you won’t choke…) Bet it all, and go for broke. Broke… Broken little toys, for all the girls and boys. Shattered hearts bring no joy, (so some one hand me the glue..). And some paper and scisors too… See, I know what to do. Construction paper hearts, and lace. Scraps of paper all about the place. Make a mask over my face… And tear it off again. YOU (me) ARE NOT MY FRIEND!!! The path of least resistance… brings no distance… Travel in circles, always back the start, back on the stage. Now bring me some growth with age. I call for the piper, prince or the pauper. Some empty quotes from Cindy Lauper… Girls just wanna have fun.. (and I’m a girl) but I don’t just wanna have fun. I wanna love the life I’ve won. I wanna be proud of what I’ve done. Finish what I’ve begun. My headspace is sick. Thick as a brick. Taunting me, telling me.. Diminishing my reality, and making me doubt my ability. To see this (you) all of it.. Through. To the finish line. (IS there a finish line?) I know I’m yours… will you be mine? If Ima real good girl. And I do it right, and rock your world.. And don’t trip up and run away… And hold back fear, and always stay… (why won’t the fear just GO AWAY)… Where do I go from here. I cannot silence, but can ignore the fear. I know.. I know… I know, I know… Fuck.. hell… I don’t know. what is it that I’m asking? This light in which I’m basking. I am as real as I know how to be. Chameleons in my memory. Switching out reality, and blinding eyes too bruised to see, what it is ahead of me. The path unclear of all debris. Peices of hearts strewn all about. All bits of me that I’ve cut out. Now how do I put them back again. Which way does this fit in? Fuck! SHIT! I’ve got it backwards… No wonder it wouldn’t fit that way (oh, now it’s crushed) Oh well, didn’t wan that peice anyway… Puzzles aren’t my favorite game to play… But damn do I puzzle me, counfound, confuse, befuddle me.  I want what I want, and that’s how it is… Just don’t ask my plans for getting it. Confound it… I lost it! No I’ve found it… Now I’ve gotta dog-trot hound it. Some one put me on a leash, I shouldn’t run around out loose. “Oh, I like your shoes!” Damn… Why does my mind have to run in circles on me?