Tag Archives: Loss

Heroin vs Heroine

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Upstairs in your room, where I watched you clean your spoon; that needle in your arm was a knife in my heart that got twisted a little harder every time you pushed it farther until it pushed me far enough that I could turn and walk away. And now today. A decade and 90 miles away from the choice you made between me and your fascination with a fix. Too many years and an ocean of tears away from the lesson that I couldn’t heal you with a kiss. The words that I told you then; “It’s over. You can call me when you’re sober.” And just walking away bled my tears. And days lead to months became years. I let go of the hope that I’d hear “I’m clean”. And I let my white-knight-knuckled fingers let loose my home-coming beauty queen. The only ever woman for me. Edged out to the periphery, of you I wouldn’t speak. Just a slow leak from my bleeding heart tucked beneath one sleeve. And then-came those words-over facebookabsurd! But I heard your voice in every key: “Kila, I’m finally clean”. And my heart strong sung out in joy! You had finally made the right choice. And with open arms and trepidus heart, I hopefully let you back in. But this time, only as friends. Kept an arms breadth of distance at length. Prayed to the hope of your strength. To keep the needle at bay, and keep our friendship this way, and mended, that way it did stay… That is, until early today. And that familiar old choice now is facing me. And I’m pacing my heart speeding racingly. And I’m cursing those demons you have raised in me. And I question my strength; is there space in me? To be some kind of heroine, and fight against your Heroin. Can I bear with it? Can I carry it? Have my arms and my heart grown in size? Yet again I have let you inside… And I find, to surprise, that the scars from your knife-cold needle-have left me quite tough. And that strengthening just might be enough. To carry us both, over fiery coals, to the side where it’s you that you love.

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Liminal

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My heart itself, is ripped in half

Like a book been torn in two

And the pages that have scattered round

Are the ones I leave to you

Like the petals which have fallen

From a rose too early bloomed

Autumn gloom has come to pass

And summer ends too soon.

Sleepwalking

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I want to ask all these things

That make no sense in my head

Like what about all those things

Late at night that you said

A long walk on the tracks

Where you talked me out of the same

And now I look back;

Was it only a game?

The things you had done,

The places we’d been

Some are old-filled with pain

But helped the healing begin.

And those lost late-night walks

Where we’d talk and hold hands

I want to turn the clock back

So we could walk them again

I would parrot your words

Throw them back on your part

And pray to hope that they’re heard

And you would hold them to heart

But time faces front

Never turning it’s back

And I’ll go alone

If I go walking those tracks

But still you’ll be there

This time in my heart

Instead of hands in my hair

As I’m flying apart

You said to me best: tomorrow’s a day

And all of the rest, you can’t tell what it brings

You cannot predict what is coming your way

And if the note’s going sour, find a new song to sing

Well you’re voice has been spent

It went hoarse from the cry

For a life too soon wrent

In life’s living passed in time

So now I’m wishing you’d heard

Your words of advice

If only the mirror had turned

Wouldn’t that have been nice?

Stupid angry words this time

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I was a virgin mind to suicide

Keep you in mind, I’ve had┬ápeople┬ádie

But not ever in such a senseless way

It was always just this; that this is their day.

And I confess that I thought

How much stronger I would be

Than the reserves that I’ve got

Which are bleeding from me.

And leaving me hollow

And cold in my heart

Of the endless-mess sorrow

From a world torn apart.

For how ever you loved him,

You’ll hear some voice say

Those angry words barge in

That “THIS was his way?”

And my BIGGEST frustration

That lay in my head

Facts lain in prostration:

You can’t argue the dead

 

And happy birthday, too.

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This day-you’re birthday-is beautiful

And I wish you were here to see

The cotton clouding puff balls

And the sunlight through the trees

The flowers out and blooming

That I thread into my hair

I know you cannot see them

And I’m feeling it’s unfair

But I’m glad the sun is shining

On this day, you’re day of birth

Because you made the world much brighter

When you still walked along this earth

Why?

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This won’t be the last time that I write for you

But it may be the first that I don’t know the words for what’s true

I’m angered and saddened, and shocked to the floor

And I don’t know how to talk to you, now you’re not here anymore.

I wish you were here so I could slap your sweet face.

Or hug you, or scold you… But your soul’s been displaced.

And this is a time that I wish I could pray

Or believe in my heart that I could see you some day.

But all I can do is just sob and ask why

You didn’t love you enough to keep giving living a try.

Wesley. I loved you very much. You were a huge part of my coming of age, and the first boy I ever loved. I’m rocked by what you’ve done to yourself, and I’m angry and sad. Sadder than I ever thought possible. I could cry an ocean and still have tears for you. You were a light and a joy to behold, and everyone who knew you couldn’t help but love you. There’s a Wesley sized hole in the world now. You will never be forgotten.

Rambling

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It was foolish to think I could make it

Just a lie to my eyes wrapped in wool

For every step that I’ve gained there’s two taken

And I’m learning that life is too cruel

To give you a smile without blood loss

Or a haunting of memory’s refrain

A step forward without coming a steep cost

A heart wash-worn and covered in stains

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Chase me down and pull my hair

And pull a punch, see I’m not scared

I’ll blind your sides to light

You’ll never catch me unprepared

Whether called to truth or dare

I’m the type that they call rare,

Always raring for a fight

But fight’s not fit for finer things

And I’ve run to ground the hope that brings

A whisper of a heart that sings

A dawning to my life

that would break these cobweb strings

Then eyesight light across would ring

But instead this darkness stings

But I at least was right