Upstairs in your room, where I watched you clean your spoon; that needle in your arm was a knife in my heart that got twisted a little harder every time you pushed it farther until it pushed me far enough that I could turn and walk away. And now today. A decade and 90 miles away from the choice you made between me and your fascination with a fix. Too many years and an ocean of tears away from the lesson that I couldn’t heal you with a kiss. The words that I told you then; “It’s over. You can call me when you’re sober.” And just walking away bled my tears. And days lead to months became years. I let go of the hope that I’d hear “I’m clean”. And I let my white-knight-knuckled fingers let loose my home-coming beauty queen. The only ever woman for me. Edged out to the periphery, of you I wouldn’t speak. Just a slow leak from my bleeding heart tucked beneath one sleeve. And then-came those words-over facebook–absurd! But I heard your voice in every key: “Kila, I’m finally clean”. And my heart strong sung out in joy! You had finally made the right choice. And with open arms and trepidus heart, I hopefully let you back in. But this time, only as friends. Kept an arms breadth of distance at length. Prayed to the hope of your strength. To keep the needle at bay, and keep our friendship this way, and mended, that way it did stay… That is, until early today. And that familiar old choice now is facing me. And I’m pacing my heart speeding racingly. And I’m cursing those demons you have raised in me. And I question my strength; is there space in me? To be some kind of heroine, and fight against your Heroin. Can I bear with it? Can I carry it? Have my arms and my heart grown in size? Yet again I have let you inside… And I find, to surprise, that the scars from your knife-cold needle-have left me quite tough. And that strengthening just might be enough. To carry us both, over fiery coals, to the side where it’s you that you love.
My heart itself, is ripped in half
Like a book been torn in two
And the pages that have scattered round
Are the ones I leave to you
Like the petals which have fallen
From a rose too early bloomed
Autumn gloom has come to pass
And summer ends too soon.
I want to ask all these things
That make no sense in my head
Like what about all those things
Late at night that you said
A long walk on the tracks
Where you talked me out of the same
And now I look back;
Was it only a game?
The things you had done,
The places we’d been
Some are old-filled with pain
But helped the healing begin.
And those lost late-night walks
Where we’d talk and hold hands
I want to turn the clock back
So we could walk them again
I would parrot your words
Throw them back on your part
And pray to hope that they’re heard
And you would hold them to heart
But time faces front
Never turning it’s back
And I’ll go alone
If I go walking those tracks
But still you’ll be there
This time in my heart
Instead of hands in my hair
As I’m flying apart
You said to me best: tomorrow’s a day
And all of the rest, you can’t tell what it brings
You cannot predict what is coming your way
And if the note’s going sour, find a new song to sing
Well you’re voice has been spent
It went hoarse from the cry
For a life too soon wrent
In life’s living passed in time
So now I’m wishing you’d heard
Your words of advice
If only the mirror had turned
Wouldn’t that have been nice?
I was a virgin mind to suicide
Keep you in mind, I’ve had people die
But not ever in such a senseless way
It was always just this; that this is their day.
And I confess that I thought
How much stronger I would be
Than the reserves that I’ve got
Which are bleeding from me.
And leaving me hollow
And cold in my heart
Of the endless-mess sorrow
From a world torn apart.
For how ever you loved him,
You’ll hear some voice say
Those angry words barge in
That “THIS was his way?”
And my BIGGEST frustration
That lay in my head
Facts lain in prostration:
You can’t argue the dead
This day-you’re birthday-is beautiful
And I wish you were here to see
The cotton clouding puff balls
And the sunlight through the trees
The flowers out and blooming
That I thread into my hair
I know you cannot see them
And I’m feeling it’s unfair
But I’m glad the sun is shining
On this day, you’re day of birth
Because you made the world much brighter
When you still walked along this earth
This won’t be the last time that I write for you
But it may be the first that I don’t know the words for what’s true
I’m angered and saddened, and shocked to the floor
And I don’t know how to talk to you, now you’re not here anymore.
I wish you were here so I could slap your sweet face.
Or hug you, or scold you… But your soul’s been displaced.
And this is a time that I wish I could pray
Or believe in my heart that I could see you some day.
But all I can do is just sob and ask why
You didn’t love you enough to keep giving living a try.
Wesley. I loved you very much. You were a huge part of my coming of age, and the first boy I ever loved. I’m rocked by what you’ve done to yourself, and I’m angry and sad. Sadder than I ever thought possible. I could cry an ocean and still have tears for you. You were a light and a joy to behold, and everyone who knew you couldn’t help but love you. There’s a Wesley sized hole in the world now. You will never be forgotten.
It was foolish to think I could make it
Just a lie to my eyes wrapped in wool
For every step that I’ve gained there’s two taken
And I’m learning that life is too cruel
To give you a smile without blood loss
Or a haunting of memory’s refrain
A step forward without coming a steep cost
A heart wash-worn and covered in stains
Chase me down and pull my hair
And pull a punch, see I’m not scared
I’ll blind your sides to light
You’ll never catch me unprepared
Whether called to truth or dare
I’m the type that they call rare,
Always raring for a fight
But fight’s not fit for finer things
And I’ve run to ground the hope that brings
A whisper of a heart that sings
A dawning to my life
that would break these cobweb strings
Then eyesight light across would ring
But instead this darkness stings
But I at least was right