Tag Archives: Life

Heroin vs Heroine

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Upstairs in your room, where I watched you clean your spoon; that needle in your arm was a knife in my heart that got twisted a little harder every time you pushed it farther until it pushed me far enough that I could turn and walk away. And now today. A decade and 90 miles away from the choice you made between me and your fascination with a fix. Too many years and an ocean of tears away from the lesson that I couldn’t heal you with a kiss. The words that I told you then; “It’s over. You can call me when you’re sober.” And just walking away bled my tears. And days lead to months became years. I let go of the hope that I’d hear “I’m clean”. And I let my white-knight-knuckled fingers let loose my home-coming beauty queen. The only ever woman for me. Edged out to the periphery, of you I wouldn’t speak. Just a slow leak from my bleeding heart tucked beneath one sleeve. And then-came those words-over facebookabsurd! But I heard your voice in every key: “Kila, I’m finally clean”. And my heart strong sung out in joy! You had finally made the right choice. And with open arms and trepidus heart, I hopefully let you back in. But this time, only as friends. Kept an arms breadth of distance at length. Prayed to the hope of your strength. To keep the needle at bay, and keep our friendship this way, and mended, that way it did stay… That is, until early today. And that familiar old choice now is facing me. And I’m pacing my heart speeding racingly. And I’m cursing those demons you have raised in me. And I question my strength; is there space in me? To be some kind of heroine, and fight against your Heroin. Can I bear with it? Can I carry it? Have my arms and my heart grown in size? Yet again I have let you inside… And I find, to surprise, that the scars from your knife-cold needle-have left me quite tough. And that strengthening just might be enough. To carry us both, over fiery coals, to the side where it’s you that you love.

Death & rebirth (on time)

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The death of night is light, they say

The gentle birthing of the rising day

A tapestry of which the edge is frayed,

Just pull loose threads and it comes away

Then each thread again, through loom is played

And weaves in time, without delay

The prayer to grant this light a stay

But the hang-man comes, and night kills day

 

Edited a little phrasing on this piece. Didn’t quite like the flow of the last two lines. The meter was off & it ruined the effect of continuous flow (which it needed, since it’s about TIME).

Something left

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Being angry has left me too weary

Being frightened has left me too cold

Pain’s anxiously left me too broken

To feel anything other than old

And worn through the skin I’ve been feeling

My soul’s been exposed to the air

A rawness that’s chaffed my heart bleeding

And left me too worried to care

But I’ve worried myself til I’ve worn through

And exposed through the holes just a thought

With all this emotion that I’ve torn through

Hope is still one that I’ve got

 

 

The reason for silence

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You don’t have to walk a mile in my shoes

To see the souls are wearing thin

And you don’t have hear the bad news

To see the mess I’m standing in

And you don’t have to hold a hand out-

I can take to feet alone

And don’t ask me what I cry about

Cause the pain I feel’s my own

Some things are better left unshared

And others are best unsaid

And I’d rather, in truth, you were unaware

Of the scream inside my head.

What you don’t know won’t hurt me

At least, it won’t hurt my pride.

So I’ll just keep all the worst of me

Quietly hidden inside.

 

Liminal

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My heart itself, is ripped in half

Like a book been torn in two

And the pages that have scattered round

Are the ones I leave to you

Like the petals which have fallen

From a rose too early bloomed

Autumn gloom has come to pass

And summer ends too soon.