Tag Archives: chaos

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I am an amalgamation of all that come before me. I am both the ending and beginning of a real-life redemption story. I am not a fairy-tale or a parable containing lessons to be learned. I am a messiah of a mess on a mission-carrying respect waiting to be earned. This is MY turn. I will set fire to the words that have previously bound me. Bind my fists with the split ends of the definitions that surround me. I will make of myself everything and nothing that you have ever expected and then I will reject it. I will take the potential that you’ve weighed on me for which I never asked, and I will take its full enormity and shove it up your ass. See, I never break but I shatter-and the scattered pieces left to be placed, they never really mattered.

Open door

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It bothers me. When I have to lock my door to go to the store for a cup of coffee. That is not me; I’d rather trust and have it floored than let it stop me. I’m at my best when I’m putting breast before the thought beat-what has caught me,  my emotion is the press to push out this heart beat which repeats With the same kind of openness.  It’s why I’ve always spoken thus. And put it down, and broke the bus and beat the band to boot. I’m no fool. I do what I do for a reason, it’s true but I don’t have to explain shit to you. But I do. It’s called communication, and it’s a small donation to thought and open mind. And I find, the more I provide some background on who I am, the more I know of who I want to be. And who I want to be, it changes. Builds up, falls down, it rearranges, it paints itself in light for strangers, and through their eyes I see how to achieve that prize, the big brass ring of me. And that’s kind of neat. But it has its up and down falls, and when it comes to taking judge-calls, I’m no better than the rest. It tests my strength of virtue, my point of view and purview, and the stupid things we all do, well, they’re my kryptonite. I’m easily embarrassed, and why I’m compelled to share it-well it’s really beyond my sight. But I fight to keep composure,  because truth be told you know you’re-only given just one life. That’s right. And if you spend it forever fearful of the people that surround you and the things that they MAY do, well you might as well have spent it in a bubble. And there’s the trouble!! that somehow sensory deprivation presides communication and we’re rationing the space and times we can be touched. And it’s too much! We’re a social group by nature, and I’m not trying to berate or blame you for enclosure, because goodness only knows you’re just one of far too many. But please tell me. How does fear enrich your life?

Old Journal entry april 17 2008

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Wind it down, wind me up. I’m wired backwards, the lines are crossed. My mind is not my friend today, it’s lonely, and I’m lost… Why wont the voices say anything, I sure could use some advice… The only voice I hear is my own today, (and I’m not being very nice.) Nice… Nice… Chop it up and put it on ice. Before you swallow, chew it twice… (Just to make sure that you won’t choke…) Bet it all, and go for broke. Broke… Broken little toys, for all the girls and boys. Shattered hearts bring no joy, (so some one hand me the glue..). And some paper and scisors too… See, I know what to do. Construction paper hearts, and lace. Scraps of paper all about the place. Make a mask over my face… And tear it off again. YOU (me) ARE NOT MY FRIEND!!! The path of least resistance… brings no distance… Travel in circles, always back the start, back on the stage. Now bring me some growth with age. I call for the piper, prince or the pauper. Some empty quotes from Cindy Lauper… Girls just wanna have fun.. (and I’m a girl) but I don’t just wanna have fun. I wanna love the life I’ve won. I wanna be proud of what I’ve done. Finish what I’ve begun. My headspace is sick. Thick as a brick. Taunting me, telling me.. Diminishing my reality, and making me doubt my ability. To see this (you) all of it.. Through. To the finish line. (IS there a finish line?) I know I’m yours… will you be mine? If Ima real good girl. And I do it right, and rock your world.. And don’t trip up and run away… And hold back fear, and always stay… (why won’t the fear just GO AWAY)… Where do I go from here. I cannot silence, but can ignore the fear. I know.. I know… I know, I know… Fuck.. hell… I don’t know. what is it that I’m asking? This light in which I’m basking. I am as real as I know how to be. Chameleons in my memory. Switching out reality, and blinding eyes too bruised to see, what it is ahead of me. The path unclear of all debris. Peices of hearts strewn all about. All bits of me that I’ve cut out. Now how do I put them back again. Which way does this fit in? Fuck! SHIT! I’ve got it backwards… No wonder it wouldn’t fit that way (oh, now it’s crushed) Oh well, didn’t wan that peice anyway… Puzzles aren’t my favorite game to play… But damn do I puzzle me, counfound, confuse, befuddle me.  I want what I want, and that’s how it is… Just don’t ask my plans for getting it. Confound it… I lost it! No I’ve found it… Now I’ve gotta dog-trot hound it. Some one put me on a leash, I shouldn’t run around out loose. “Oh, I like your shoes!” Damn… Why does my mind have to run in circles on me?

Some pretty old stuff here

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I’m including dates with these poems because they’re actually dated… which is strange for me, but hey!

Sept 17, 2006

Crazy in the head

feeling kinda half cocked, missing being fine.
I’m crazy in the head today, and I’m out to lose my mind.
sleeping on my feet, walking in my dreams,
waking to a nightmare, everything’s as it seems.
So off kilter I will go, just to change the pace.
Crazy in the head today, like all the human race.

 

April 18 2006

(for Cayden)

Across a field of skin
A life that sighs within
Dancing below the surface
moving to the rythm of life
shifting flesh softly
soon to emerge into sunlight
a bright spot in my vision

the pinnicle of life’s achievment
The cycle renews its self
and I am gratful

 

Jan 11 2006

Fuck you

FUCK FATE!!
fuck what you got in store for me.
You think I can’t circumvent you?
Get around, and re-construct you?
Do my best and in the end, fuck you?
You don’t know me,
You don’t own me,
And you certainly can’t direct me.
I refuse to lie down
Beaten around
Fucked wide,
Sucked dry,
Cast aside.
Fate fuck destiny,
Pushed aside by me,
Brushed past with impunity.
Fuck you!
You can’t control me,
Think you own me,
You’re nothing.
Nothing,
At all
Without cooperation,
And let’s be truthful here,
Let the fallicies dissapear,
And come to grips with the fact,
That I will react
Talk back
Speak out,
Laugh loud
In your face.

 

Jan 11 2006

Cold Flame

I break out,
Strike down,
Push aside the mask and cry
A shriek across a colbalt sky
Dance in flame
Gone insane
Been to hell and back again
But who in all this held my hand,
Led me through a famine land?
Gave me courage to fight all fear?
Rage entitled, held so dear.
I’m stronger than I thought I was,
Anger just another tool.
It’s the energy I need to burn
To get things done I have to do.
And do I must, and finish all.
Now I run,
Now I walk,
And now I crawl.
Across the point of no return
Given flesh for fuel to burn
Burn it will,
I will
So well
Brushing off this mental hell.

 

Jan 22 2006

Spun glass

I want pretty words today
Pretty words
Softly spoken
Easy-broken
Glide across the skin and play
Pretty words
Today
I’m built of glass right now
I’m not sure
But I think my flesh some how
Got melted off
And melted in
The sands of time
And put back in
Transparant
Fragile
And delicate
I NEED pretty words today
Spoken softly,
Please

 

Know your mind

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Non-somnulance

B 12 and caffiene

Replace sleep

My blood stream

Has run thin

I yawn deep

Across my day, my cracked eyes sweep

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Fool’s golden heart

A hero to no one

And everyone’s fool

I’ve followed my heart

And lived by its rule

So what it mayhap

Lead me astray

And bring me to mishap

And makes me portray

Myself in a new light

Within my own mind

High time for a new sight

To let me define

This thing in me humming

And sounding as pleas

That sets me to falling

And skinning my kneas

From my notebook

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Placed in a Sigh

Forever stuck in dual reality

My hands wrought and made for me

A turmoil that would satisfy

And heart tucked away so safe I’ll keep

Secret dreams I’ve kept so deep

Even I know not where they lie

But lying am I within denial

Love me so my self-made trial

I know they live within my sigh

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Stuttering

Fluttering

Heart-struck

I’m shuddering

Against the endless fray

Blundering

Wondering

Inside

I’m sundering

Myself from my own name

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Scalpel tongue

Burning and churning

This acid will spill

From mouth to your concience

As I fire at will

And grin spinning mouth

In a wicked out pace

I laugh at you cold

As your smile falls from face

My words are pure poison

As I slice open your mind

So often a nice girl

-But I repay in kind