So anybody here drunk yet? *wait for positive response* Great, I’m not alone! No, seriously, it took me three Xanax and a double shot of Bourbon to get me up here tonight. *pause* I’m on the Real House Wive’s diet. *another pause, this time with a mock serious expression* No… No. actually, it’s because… I have a confession to make. I’m absolutely terrified of microphones. No, it’s serious, phobia level, even. Which makes no sense to me at all, because normally I have no problem putting my mouth up to a phallic object. *hope for laughter* Speaking of phallic objects. Anyone have a trans-vaginal ultrasound recently? Anyone? … Anyone? How about a show of hands… No? How bout you just make that face that you make when it goes in, you know the one that looks like a cross between Popeye and the “lemon” face? *make the face* (make popeye laugh at the end of the expression). Well any way, I have to say… They really set a girl up for disappointment when you go in for that exam. I mean, the condom they pull out to go over this thing… It’d give a a Trojan Magnum a complex. It looks like it was designed as a Barnyard prophylactic, if you know what I mean *make measuring hand gesture*. Then they pull out the wand. *make thin, tubular gesture, followed by “Meep” sound* That’s what they call it, a “wand”. And I’m like “If that thing’s so magic, why don’t we skip the insertion part and you just “Wingardium Leviosa” The information outta there?” *dead-pan* No-go. So ANY-way, They go to put the “condom” on the “wand”, and I’m pretty sure it shrank a few more centemeters in fear of this cavernous balloon they’re shoving it into. And I… I started feeling sorry for the poor thing… And then… They lubricate it. With this… Blue jelly that I’m pretty sure was rejected for the part of “Ooz” from Ghostbuster’s II on account of appearing too menacing. And then the Sonographer asks me if I want to insert it myself. “Do I Want to insert it myself?”.*dead-pan* Oh NO, I’d rather have a complete stranger shove what equates to a micro-dildo wrapped in a slime covered trash-bag up my lady bits. That would be MUCH more comfortable. *another dead-pan* So, I’m inserting this thing, watching the image come into focus on the screen and I come to the realization… that my uterus is shaped almost exactly like E-T’s face. Which is kinda funny, because the “wand” is kind of shaped like his finger. So now all I have in my head is the scene where E-T pokes Elliot & says “OUCH”. Which just about sums up the whole experience. And I’m here to tell you, I’m not a victim of republican legislature folks, I wasn’t trying to get an abortion. No, I was getting the procedure done for a legitimate medical reason. I have Endometriosis. Which is pretty much like being on your period ALL the time… So… The next time someone calls me a bitch… I think I’m going to say “I prefer the term Bleeding Cunt”. It’s more accurate. *Bow* Thank you, you’ve been wonderful, don’t forget to tip your wait-staff.