My life started out hard. Or unfair. Or both. infanthood was prolly ok, but I can’t remember that. Life memory start for me with terror and shame. An adult that should have been trustworthy put me in the hands of her disturbed teenage son who proceeded to make sure I would never be innocent again. I was three.
I’ve never met my father, never will. My mother doesn’t even know who he is. She knows the list of who it COULD have been… but none of them are viable for contact.
I was a strange child. Far mor intelligent than my peers, and far less socially equiped. From kindergarten on I never knew a moments peace from the other kids. The desire to attack anything that’s different is very strong in children. Children can be incrediably violent and cruel.
Money. I’ve never EVER experienced the sensation of “having enough”. From my big brother’s hand-me-downs in childhood to my own struggle to figure out if the electric bill can be “put off” for another month in adulthood, I have NEVER EVER lived without financial struggle.
Relationships. Most of them have been horrible. There are people out there who are very good at hiding the fact that they’re cruel, abusive, conciousless people… And I “dated” one for five years. I am now fighting tooth and nail to try to get him to stop seeing our children as possessions and more like little people who need his support. As for my ex-husband… well. I can’t really blame him. We got married pretty much because I wanted someone to save me and he like the idea of being the white Knight.
Violence. I’m used to it. It’s almost NORMAL to me. it shouldn’t be, I know it. But seeing someone kicking the shit out of someone else doesn’t even faze me. I’m used to receiving it, and dishing it out. I don’t anymore, but you never “re-sensitize” to it.
I witnessed a rape about 11 years ago. It wasn’t violent in the sence that the girl got beat up… But she was a virgin, and there was blood. I was helpless to stop it, and all I could do was help her walk to where her stepdad was supposed to be picking her up and lean into the car to tell him to take her straight to the police station. Out of a dozen people who were in the house when it happened I was the only testifying witness. In fact, I was the only person (beside the victim) who wasn’t denying that it had happened. He got off with statutory.
Really. There are dozens more shitty things on my life list. the list of things that have gone right… Well, it’s pretty damn short. At seven years old I began to question the existance of a higher being. It just doesn’t make sense. My life has been damn hard. And it’s not even CLOSE to how bad it gets. What kind of Mother (because that’s what a God is, right? Everyone want to make out like the “all creator” is male… but the only thing close to it we got on Earth are Moms) whould give birth just in order to torture the kid? Hmm? What kind of God allows genoside, war, rape? What kind of Creator would hate what it made SO much as to allow soldiers to hold down a 13 year old girl and shoot an M16 into an organ she hasn’t even gotten to USE yet? AIDs, Cancer, MS. Schitzophrenia, Bipolar Effective Disorder, Psychosis. Babies born just to die of congenital defects or malnutrition. . . in the face of everything that goes on in this world… HOW can someone even BEGIN to find comfort in the thought of a God? If I’m wrong and there IS something out there directing us and watching… That being is far crueler and more psychotic than any evil we’ve ever seen on the face of the planet thus far. You hear me? If there’s a God, it’s EVIL. and I want no part of it. Hell. I want no part in this world. But I don’t have much of a choice, do I? No. And I never really did.