Old Journal entry april 17 2008

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Wind it down, wind me up. I’m wired backwards, the lines are crossed. My mind is not my friend today, it’s lonely, and I’m lost… Why wont the voices say anything, I sure could use some advice… The only voice I hear is my own today, (and I’m not being very nice.) Nice… Nice… Chop it up and put it on ice. Before you swallow, chew it twice… (Just to make sure that you won’t choke…) Bet it all, and go for broke. Broke… Broken little toys, for all the girls and boys. Shattered hearts bring no joy, (so some one hand me the glue..). And some paper and scisors too… See, I know what to do. Construction paper hearts, and lace. Scraps of paper all about the place. Make a mask over my face… And tear it off again. YOU (me) ARE NOT MY FRIEND!!! The path of least resistance… brings no distance… Travel in circles, always back the start, back on the stage. Now bring me some growth with age. I call for the piper, prince or the pauper. Some empty quotes from Cindy Lauper… Girls just wanna have fun.. (and I’m a girl) but I don’t just wanna have fun. I wanna love the life I’ve won. I wanna be proud of what I’ve done. Finish what I’ve begun. My headspace is sick. Thick as a brick. Taunting me, telling me.. Diminishing my reality, and making me doubt my ability. To see this (you) all of it.. Through. To the finish line. (IS there a finish line?) I know I’m yours… will you be mine? If Ima real good girl. And I do it right, and rock your world.. And don’t trip up and run away… And hold back fear, and always stay… (why won’t the fear just GO AWAY)… Where do I go from here. I cannot silence, but can ignore the fear. I know.. I know… I know, I know… Fuck.. hell… I don’t know. what is it that I’m asking? This light in which I’m basking. I am as real as I know how to be. Chameleons in my memory. Switching out reality, and blinding eyes too bruised to see, what it is ahead of me. The path unclear of all debris. Peices of hearts strewn all about. All bits of me that I’ve cut out. Now how do I put them back again. Which way does this fit in? Fuck! SHIT! I’ve got it backwards… No wonder it wouldn’t fit that way (oh, now it’s crushed) Oh well, didn’t wan that peice anyway… Puzzles aren’t my favorite game to play… But damn do I puzzle me, counfound, confuse, befuddle me.  I want what I want, and that’s how it is… Just don’t ask my plans for getting it. Confound it… I lost it! No I’ve found it… Now I’ve gotta dog-trot hound it. Some one put me on a leash, I shouldn’t run around out loose. “Oh, I like your shoes!” Damn… Why does my mind have to run in circles on me?

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